Friday, 8 November 2019

Gemini - a fragment

I am Gemini. Two sides to me. Two spirits. Two minds. One heart. Juxtaposition. Paradox. Dichotomy. I walk with myself in parallel. What I see and hear and feel I disguise with my other self. Vice Versa. My yin and yang oppose and conflict me. I cannot make a decision. and if I do it’s the wrong decision. 

I look up. I look down. I look happy. I look sad.  One self does not know the other self. I need convergence to find some harmony in this life dungeon. There are pauses; this morning. I saw the sun peering over a cloud formation that looked like a mountain range and I thought I had woken up in the Alps. Dents du Midi. Behind the houses a leaf shed ash tree rose above the roofs like a fantasy peacock looking down. Then my one heart leaps. I see a butterfly and both my selves are breathless with the symmetry and beauty. And my one heart could burst with an approximation of love. But where do butterflies sleep at night? And the bees! So furry, so purposeful and motivated. I wish for longer pauses. 

However what rises must fall. and how it falls. Down. Abyss. Chasm. Depths. Depression. I am Gemini. None shall know me for I do not know myself. One of me repulses while the other tries to attract, without success. Repulse wins. Always. Why? Part of me is square and the other part is round and they will not fit together. I do not fit together. I am apart. Astrology biology. Could it be possible? 

One self tries to fit in whilst the other knows that it is not possible. But what of my one heart? It hurts. It bleeds. It is broken. Not just by love but by life. It tried to feed my two spirits without success. My heart is green, chakra green, not red. Red is the blood colour, flowing. Red is life. Red is danger. If my heart turns red, should I be afraid? Or should I rejoice? Always the balance. Seeking the balance. Scales, Weighing it up and getting nowhere. Trying hard but failing as the weights refuse to counter balance. A pendulum. Rhythm. Missing. Not firing. 

Stepping out. Another pause. Sun. Sea. I stand on these cliff tops and I see the sky as a blue dome arcing from all horizons, enclosing my selves on this planet. The sun can restore me; like a solar cell I recharge. The sea can restore me. Like a rising tide I am uplifted. But which self? Both selves? Or just one for the sun and one for the sea? Is this my one hope? My one chance at salvation. It’s cold and the wind blows. Screeching of seabirds puncture the peace. They see me. They see deep inside me. Gemini, they scream. We know you. But the sea is ours. Crows, carrion seekers. Timid, shy. Wary. Their agonised calls rend the salt air. Their obsidian plumage shines in the sun. Gemini, they caw, we know you. But the sun is ours.

Is there nothing for me? Nothing I can make my own? I confuse. I confound. I perplex. I can see it in your eyes. All of you. Glazed eyes. Not comprehending. Try to do the right thing, say the right thing, feel the right thing, think the right think but I fail. I am the wrong thing. But there have been moments. Fleeting but so sweet, so neat, so pure. Can I feed off the memory of those moments. Can I analyse? Consider what made those moments different? And for a while I am excited, hopeful even for if I can do that can I recreate them? Can I make my two selves fuse and let me join the world? 

No, I must retreat. My two selves must hide away. Disappear into the lives and minds of others though their written words. Safe. There I am safe. But as the tears flow from one self the other dissolves into cackling, hysterical laughter that deafens me. I am Gemini.

And finally my heart splits in two.

Photos courtesy Flickr - commercial use allowed.
Butterfly and bee by me, one from each of me.
Words courtesy me. Both of me. 

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