Itchy Feet - A Fragment

So it starts like a little spinning wheel somewhere behind my navel but deeper, deep, deep inside me. It spins faster and faster and as it spins it gets bigger and bigger until I can’t hold it back and all I want to do is to go. It’s like something is lifting me, carrying me, urging me ever forward. I can’t ever predict where and when it’s going to happen. Sometimes there are places and situations where I can’t just give in to it. People would think me crazy. Yeah, well, they do think me crazy!  But it’s kind of a nice crazy. It makes people smile when they see me go. Sometimes I’ve just had to take off in a shopping precinct or just out walking with people, if it’s possible. I just apologise and say I have to do this and then I go. I take off. It’s like I have wings in my feet, Mercury, Ariel. And when the wind is behind me it feels like I’m flying. It feels like I’m invincible. It feels like I can do anything I want. It makes me feel real. It makes me feel whole. It makes me want to laugh and smile and yell, Yes! Yes! Yes! to the whole damn world. And my chest burns with the need for oxygen, my heart is pumping faster and faster and my legs pump and turn like they’re made of steel and they carry me up and down the gradients and inclines. It feels like I never want to stop. It feels like I could go on forever. 

At least that’s how it was. It isn’t now. I still get the spinning wheel inside me but my body can’t obey any more. Even if I wanted it to. My joints are shot and my spine is troubled with stenosis and listhesis. I’ve become too heavy as well. It would put too much strain on my joints and heart if I were to even try. 

And this is mean spirited of me I know and I would never actually do it but sometimes when I’m out walking and I follow my old running and jogging routes I see other joggers and runners pass me by and I’m tempted to stick out my leg and trip them up! It’s just jealousy! It’s like I’m watching the ‘me’ I once was flashing past and I want to be that ‘me’ again. 

I never ran fast. I never ran to win races. I never ran because I thought it was doing me good. I never ran for any other reason than the sheer euphoria it produced within me. I only ran because I loved it.