Connection - A Fragment

Connection

Photo by Ade M. Campbell
adespress.blog

I loathe these team-building, corporate type affairs. I've never been good in large gatherings. I say little but think a lot. And when I do speak it's usually the wrong thing. I alienate half the company and elicit the contempt of the rest! To be fair, though, I do manage to make some of them laugh. Humour has always been my defence mechanism. A deflection. To hide my unease, my inadequacy. I'm uncomfortable talking about me though most people seem to want to talk about themselves, don't they?  Sadly they aren't really that interesting or am I being bitter? They don’t really want to listen to any one else. In that respect these kind of conversations fascinate me because you can tell when someone has something to say. You can see them waiting like a predator ready to pounce, just itching to interject with their anecdotes or homily. And by the time they manage it the conversation has actually moved on and what they have to say seems incongruous yet still they say it. You can't really call them conversations anymore because the threads are tenuous. It’s almost a game. I think I blame social media. Half the time, though, my attention wanders. They bore me.  Weird today because there's a lady a few tables away who keeps staring at me. I don't know her  I don't think. But I can't be sure. Sometimes when you see people out of context, in a different environment from where you usually see them you don’t always enjoy full recognition. I remember once when I used to swim every morning, I was in town when I saw someone I thought I recognised but wasn't sure. She clearly recognised me and said hello. It was then that I realised I knew her from swimming. And I said without thinking, 'Oh, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on!’ Fortunately she did see the funny side of it and we laughed. But I can’t place this lady at all. She is very attractive in a unassuming and natural way, stylish clothes, classic hair, professional, at a glance, another business lunch I'd hazard a guess.

I'm trying not to stare back. Because I could be completely mistaken and therefore misconstrued, God forbid. Maybe she's as bored with her lunch as I am with mine and she's just staring in this direction as a matter of convenience rather than intent. Why would she be staring at me? It would only be if she knows me and I don't think she does. But it's curious, I just can't get her out of my mind. It's almost as if there's an invisible connection between us across this crowded room. Sounds like a song from the shows doesn't it? I'm feeling weirdly unnerved by it but I think it's all in my silly head. Funny what loneliness and being a social misfit does to you, eh? You start thinking some random person is finding you interesting. I chuckle at the thought.

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I noticed her straight away. But I don't know why. There was absolutely nothing remarkable whatsoever. From the distance I couldn't tell if she was prematurely grey or just old. But I could tell that she was, well, just ordinary. Sitting at the table, saying little, I noticed, in comparison with the rest of the company. Except when she did speak it seemed to get a reaction. It shut some people up and reduced others to giggles. Bespectacled, overweight, yet not obese, I guess there was a vague androgyny hinted at. But she was no doubt female. And for the first time in my life I felt something. I don't know whether it was attraction or a connection. I don't know what to name it but it was a powerful surge. And it unbalanced me because it was an unfamiliar sensation. I'm liberal in my thoughts and beliefs and fully believe that we are capable of loving in myriad ways but I had never felt such a pull towards somebody of the same gender before. I might have been more accepting had she been dropdead gorgeous! Very unPC of me I know and extremely ungenerous. So I sat in that buzzing restaurant feeling quite confused yet also

Photo by Svklimkin
from Flickr

excited.

So what do I do? Would any of my heterosexual skills be of use here? If indeed I was correct in attributing some kind of romantic intention to my feelings? I couldn't think it could be that but what else might it be? In truth I have never experienced what they call "love at first sight" and never even been sure if it actually existed. But I somehow believed that this unwanted, unsolicited emotion was the closest I had come. 

What do you do with a moment like this? How do you act upon such a strong feeling? Should I just go up and say something? And if I do, what? I don't have chat up lines for another woman.Come to think of it I don't really have any for men. I leave it to them. Is that unPC in our feminist times? But let's be clear here, I'm not available. I'm married with a family for goodness sake. I love them. Gosh, I mustn't keep staring. The poor woman will begin to wonder why. But can I leave this restaurant at the end of this lunch not having said a single word to this stranger, seated a few metres away, ignorant of my being, my presence and yet having altered the dynamic of my thoughts in an instant? Is there a connection? I'm being uncharacteristically fey here. Maybe we met in a previous life? Maybe we're meant to be friends? Some higher purpose, some other dimensional intervention has thrown us together? They say everything happens for a reason, whoever 'they; may be? Oh, its daft. It's probably because I'm just bored by this interminable lunch.